DEATH BLOG #1 – Carbon Freeze
[It is hereto assumed that by continuing your friendship with me, you agree to carry out my final wishes as I detail them here. Breaking of this assumed contract will result in unrelenting haunting for the rest of your mortal life.]
I have long contemplated death, even as a child. What it would be like to die, what happens after you do, but most of all– how to leave my mark. We’ve all thought of the funny things we wanted to put on our tombstones. Jokey, pun-filled epitaphs that future generations will laugh at, and generations beyond that will destroy in nuclear holocaust.
A chiseled out play on words was never good enough for me, though. At least, not after I saw The Empire Strikes Back for the first time.
Friends, let it be known that when I die, I want to be encased in my own tombstone. See, I’m grandiose, but not insane. I know there is no such thing as Carbon Freezing. I don’t expect to actually be put into suspended animation by the Bespin Ugnaughts who ship Tibanna gas across the galaxy, only to later be unfrozen and temporarily blind as wacky hi-jinks ensue. No, I only ask for a tombstone SHAPED like me frozen in Carbonite, with my actual corpse inside.
I want it to stand proud over the rest of the grave stones in the cemetary, with a twisted face forever looking out onto the pathetic, far inferior markers with such dribble as, “Here Lies John,” on them. I will bequeath half my estate to whomever is kind enough to add the blinking lights to the sides of my Carbonite tomb, and perform the upkeep. I assume when nuclear holocaust finally does occur, my awesome frozen visage will have already been shot off into space with the rest of the great works of Earth-art to be saved forever and ever. Thank you in advance.
