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Pillow Fort
I don’t care what you say, Sarah. Building things is manly.
Willy Wonka Dead, 46
A candyman’s legacy comes to a SweeTart end.
Wednesday, police found 46-year-old Willard W. Wonka, better known to candy fans as “Willy,” dead inside his factory, hanging by his neck from Nerds Rope. The coroner has deemed the death a suicide.
In his early years, Wonka was known for being a very happy man, giving free sweets to the local children. His sugary empire was once thought to be as everlasting as his Gobstoppers, but in recent years friends reported that he seemed spiteful, withdrawn. He began giving tours of his wondrous and implausible factory to children, many of whom left scarred for life.
According to inside sources, Wonka was suffering from depression following his Oompa-Loompa workforce going on strike. Maddening labor conditions had driven one of the African pygmies to go on a shooting Spree. The diminutive workers were forced to paint themselves orange and sing nonsense songs while working 18 hour days. One worker explained that Wonka had become addicted to snorting Pixy Stix in an effort to drive away his loneliness, and complained about being referred to as “Runts.” “I don’t like the look of it,” he said.
“He’s absolutely bonkers!” said Veruca Salt, a one time acquaintance of Mr. Wonka’s. Ms. Salt could not be reached for further comment, as she has been missing since a tour of the Chocolate Factory.
Coming as a Shocker to many industry insiders, a new president of the Wonka Chocolate Factory has already been named, a close friend of the late Mr. Wonka, Charles Bucket. Mr. Bucket’s first order of business as new CEO has been put into effect, a copyright infringement lawsuit against Atlanta-based hip-hop group, D4L over the name “Laffy Taffy.”
DEATH BLOG #1 – Carbon Freeze
[It is hereto assumed that by continuing your friendship with me, you agree to carry out my final wishes as I detail them here. Breaking of this assumed contract will result in unrelenting haunting for the rest of your mortal life.]
I have long contemplated death, even as a child. What it would be like to die, what happens after you do, but most of all– how to leave my mark. We’ve all thought of the funny things we wanted to put on our tombstones. Jokey, pun-filled epitaphs that future generations will laugh at, and generations beyond that will destroy in nuclear holocaust.
A chiseled out play on words was never good enough for me, though. At least, not after I saw The Empire Strikes Back for the first time.
Friends, let it be known that when I die, I want to be encased in my own tombstone. See, I’m grandiose, but not insane. I know there is no such thing as Carbon Freezing. I don’t expect to actually be put into suspended animation by the Bespin Ugnaughts who ship Tibanna gas across the galaxy, only to later be unfrozen and temporarily blind as wacky hi-jinks ensue. No, I only ask for a tombstone SHAPED like me frozen in Carbonite, with my actual corpse inside.
I want it to stand proud over the rest of the grave stones in the cemetary, with a twisted face forever looking out onto the pathetic, far inferior markers with such dribble as, “Here Lies John,” on them. I will bequeath half my estate to whomever is kind enough to add the blinking lights to the sides of my Carbonite tomb, and perform the upkeep. I assume when nuclear holocaust finally does occur, my awesome frozen visage will have already been shot off into space with the rest of the great works of Earth-art to be saved forever and ever. Thank you in advance.
Now Playing in: TRAPPER JOHN
The new improv troupe I’ve joined, Trapper John, is performing in THE ARENA, The Creek’s improv tournament at 8 p.m. at The Creek in Long Island City, NY, AND THEN we’re flying over (actually flying, self-propelled) to open for Bombardo at Gotham City Improv at 10 p.m. ALL on Friday, Feb 5th! The Arena is a FREE SHOW and our Gotham City Improv Show will only set you back $6 and you will see Trapper PLUS “Bombardo”, that all-female kick-ass team with the member who was in the movie “Funny People”. And we’re ALL FUNNY PEOPLE, so be there!
New Photoshops:
Messin’ in photoshop…
memories….
More New Art
Added EVEN MORE art to the appropriate section:
New Art
Added some art to the appropriate section:
Character J. Cartoon
Well, this past Thursday night was the second night of the Upright Citizens Brigade’s 9th Annual 3-On-3 Tournement. My team, Character J. Cartoon, was lucky enough to get a spot in the tourney. We had the awesome misfortune of going on first, ensuring that not only would we be the least memorable, but we would also get to judge ourselves against all seven subsequent teams who got up to perform.
As my teammates, Joe and Ashley, and I practiced in the secret concrete labyrinth that is the hallway in back of UCB (like we own the f’ing place), the creator and host of the tourney, Pat Baer, came and told us when he’d give the signal to go on. We were excited, but not really nervous. We stood backstage as Pat opened up the show and introduced us, and we had the honor of Pat telling the crowd that our team has a “really great name.”
We got on stage and performed a solid 7 minute set. The edits were good, there was plenty-o-agreement, and the laughs kept coming. When the buzzer rang and our time was up we got a big round of applause and were proud of what we did. It was only a few weeks ago that we had our 101 class show, and we were now walking off the UCB stage during a REAL show with a packed house, It was awesome.
And then we were quickly blown away. The next group up was comprised of UCB vets, and all of the following acts were good. We were also up against the champions of the tourney from the previous year, and the powerhouse that is Shannon O’Neill and her team Roman Polanski (they had a minute long sound and lights intro…) They did an interesting style that involved two of the members narrating the third’s actions from the back line. It brought the house down. Even the “Wildcard Team”, comprised of audience members thrown together that night, had a decent 7 minutes with plenty of laughs. Interestingly, all of the other teams did monoscenes (longform improv taking place in one location) as opposed to our 5 or 6 short scenes.
After a long wait tallying the audience votes, Pat announced the 3 teams who would move on to the quarter finals. He said it was neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck until the very end of tallying, as 6 of the teams votes were close. (I like to think we were in that 6.) So, Character J. Cartoon didnt walk away with the gold (or silver.. or bronze…) but we did walk away with a great night of improv under our belts.
Listen to the live blogs from the night:
Improv Show!
My new improv team, Character J. Cartoon, is performing at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre’s 9th Annual 3 on 3 Improv Tournement!
For more info see: Now Playing…
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